Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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