I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
