i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
