I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Randomize
