there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
