I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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