$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
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