I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
