You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
