I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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