every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Buhtt sex?
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Randomize
