Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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