She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
My vagina is very pro this idea
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
