11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
