Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Randomize
