Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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