I seem to have left my pride at pride
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Randomize
