I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
