It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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