How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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