the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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