Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
