I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
