So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Randomize
