I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
