I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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