Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Randomize
