It's a beautiful day for a hangover
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
