I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
