omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
The air was thick with penises
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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