how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
try to milk me bitch
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