So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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