My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
