I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
