my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
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