Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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