life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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