yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
