Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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