Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
