pedialite and red bull = repair kit
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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