did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
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