How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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