I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
