And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
