So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
