I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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