I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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