just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
