U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Someone signed my nipple.
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