His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
