seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Randomize
