Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
So squirting runs in the family.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
