I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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