Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
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