All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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