well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
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