I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
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